You Should Have Secrets in Your Relationship

"Everyone should cultivate a secret garden" quote by Esther Perel. Leah Benson Therapy logo

Why you should have secrets in your relationship.

No, I don’t think it’s good to keep secrets in your relationship. Not the betrayal kind of secrets, anyway.

When I say you should have secrets in your relationship, what I mean is that you should have your own special “things.” Things all your own. Things important to you, that you cultivate and tend to.

When you don’t have anything that’s all yours, you have no personal boundary. You have no “otherness” for anyone to be interested in. Your interest to others probably comes from what you can do for them. And doing for others can feel great, and be super fulfilling. But if that’s all there is, it gets old. And you just become a big teat that others take from.

How to cultivate your secret garden.

So, if being interesting to others because you’re a big teat sounds gross, but resonates, let’s talk about that.

Who are you? What interests you? Can you imagine being totally self-absorbed?

If not, you want to cultivate this knowledge and capacity. Because this is your secret garden, and is the kind of secret you want to keep.

Relationships that last with passion and interest are built on the integreation of two totally separate individuals. Individuals who have their own secret gardens that they can share if they choose.

We are interested and want people we don’t already have. And if you don’t have something all your own that makes you separate, you can’t be wanted. You can’t be interesting and desirable.

Find yourself. Find your interests. Cultivate your secret garden and enhance the vibrancy of your intimate relationship by doing do.

And if you’re having a hard time, give me a call. We’ll talk, and I’ll help you figure it out.


Call for your free 15-minute phone consultation.


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