If you’re asking “should I stay married”…
…because you woke up one day next to someone you don’t really know and aren’t sure you even want to be married to,
then this blog is for you.
You love them, but you aren’t “in love” with them. You get along fine, but you’re not sure that if you weren’t there they would even miss you.
Your spouse might have some “issues” you can point out that you don’t like, or that you think might be the “problem,” but overall, you just don’t have any feelings for them.
Maybe your interest was sparked by someone else but you haven’t taken action, or maybe you were even unfaithful.
Whatever the specifics of your situation, the first thing you need to ask yourself is,
“am I mad at john/jane for…?
If there’s nothing you’re mad about, there are two possibilities you want to consider.
1. You ARE actually mad at them about something, but you don’t know it. You are unaware of an expectation that isn’t being met and you need to figure out what it is and whether you can come to a solution that works for both of you around that issue.
2. You are living up to “expectations,” doing your “duty,” doing what you are “supposed” to do in your relationship rather than being aware of what you “want” in it. You’ve lost contact with your desire.
Love is about safety, reliability and comfort.
Desire is about longing-for, chasing, seeing from afar. In other words, wanting.
If you haven’t been cultivating your desire with intent, you will lose it. You will end up in a relationship where you take your partner for granted. You won’t feel connected to what you “want,” because all you know is what you “have” to be doing.
You will feel “comfortable,” but you will also probably feel numb, bored, disconnected, and perhaps even dead inside.
Romance does not come “naturally” once you “have” a person. You have to make it happen.
If you don’t like that idea, get ready for a long boring relationship. Or get ready to have one relationship after another, because you will end up in the same bored, numb, disconnected place over and over again with each person who comes along.
Want to figure out what’s going on for you and your sweetie? Give me a call. We’ll talk.